Y'all don't drink beer?

If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.

"Pretty girls don't drink beer"...stop it. A nice southern girl stated that last night. Stop it. I know plenty of pretty girls that drink beer and they all happen to be nice, classy lady folk as well. Just because your from the south and you are used to southernly gentlemen doesn't mean I'm going to pull your seat out for you at dinner. I'm from New York, we don't do that and we definitely drink beer. Stop it. 

My me time hand!

Spring break? Don't forget your shiv.

Ducks fly together.

Cops in south carolina...stop it. Arresting and jailing two defensless girls who just wanted to take the edge off with a little alcoholic beverage? Putting them in lockup? Stop it. I am sure you have better things to do then make them post bail and ruin their obvious vacation. Stop being jerks and stop being dicks. 632 dollars!? Court!? Stop it. 

As we recuperated from our big chair swap...

Happily Never After

Kriss Kross make you wanna Jump, Jump. 

The hair on my face...stop it. I hate having to cut you. I am lazy and do not like to shave. I let you go as long as possible, but at some point it just becomes ridiclous. No matter how much I cut you still seem to grow and grow and grow...stop it. Stop growing, hair on my face, it is getting old. Stop it. 

You want to hunt squirrels? It's the easiest thing in the world. All you need is a walnut and a boxing glove. 

In the blink of an eye

Its been one week since you looked at me. Another week until I say I'm sorry. 

It has been one week since posting. The reason for this is that I was told to stop it. So I did. I am back now and ready to blog away. People who do not use their blinkers to signal a turn...stop it. It is such an easy thing to do and can make the roads safer for everyone else. So stop not signaling. People who do not eat...stop it. Eating rocks. 

As I thought about how gay I looked giving that two-handed handshake...

It's amazing how much I don't care

One ring to rule them all. 

People who need to comment on seeing celebrities and how they looked...stop it. "O I saw Natalie Portman at a Wegmans yesterday, she looked terrible." Stop it. Who are you to say someone didn't look good. They weren't on screen and don't have to look amazing all the time, you don't. Stop it. We don't care that you saw a celebrity and we certainly don't want to aid you in talking shit about it.

They just sit around and talk about sports all day?

Pineapple Express Was Not Funny

Sunday, bloody sunday.

People who like the movie Pineapple Express...stop it. That movie blows. It isn't funny. Stop talking about it and laughing at things that are not funny. Stop agreeing with people when they say Pineapple Express is funny, its not. Stop it.

I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it. 

Just Dance, It'll be ok.

This is your time. 

People who don't like to dance...stop it.

What's the rule on white boys dancing in public? Only if you're gay. 

Who throws a shoe? Honestly.

Good morning, Vietnam.
People who think I care about their existence...stop it. These kids almost got into a fight with my friends and the lover, non-fighter that I am broke it up. Some kid then proceeds (more than one week later) to approach me in a bar and accuse me of throwing a piece of ice at him (please) and his friend asks me if we can end the feud. Stop it. I don't even know who this kid is and my friend who started a fight was so black out he doesn't even know who he is. I told them it was mostly a joke, but they really thought they meant something to me. Stop it. I don't care about you or your feud or your goddamn piece of ice. Next time I get accused of throwing a piece of ice like a child I am going to go off. Also, I will probably be the culprit of the ice throwing because if I see these kids again I am throwing ice, for sure. Stop it.

You are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy.

Start it.

Seven ate nine. 

In light of parade day (Binghamton's early St. Patricks Day celebration) and its awesomeness I have decided to use this post to talk about positive things that should happen all the time rather than things that need to not happen all the time. 

Start it. 

Drinking in the streets...start it. I have never seen a more jolly mess of drunks then when we are allowed to openly get intoxicated in the streets. Everyone becomes friends with one another and it is just a positive environment. Even the cops would have to agree (even though more were probably needed to be hired for this joyous day) that they encountered very few problems and even had some fun among the fray. Dancing in the rain...start it. It started pouring during the parade, but this did not stop anyone from enjoying themselves outdoors. As people were getting soaked it became an occasion that should happen more often. The most enjoyable rain I have been stuck in and the masses of people enjoying it with me only made it more amazing. Start it. 

Look forward to my St. Patricks Holiday post on the 5 steps to catching a leprechaun. 

Hooch is crazy.

Just watch, man

Every rose has its thorn. 

Some kid who sat next to me during Watchmen...stop it. Literally could not beleive this kid exists. He was one of those dorky kids who has read the graphic novel a thousand times and was gettin off to this movie. Stop it. Its a movie. It is not going to change your life. He was dancing for 15 minutes right there in the middle of it. Everytime a new scene I would hear "brilliant" or "oh my god" and he would gasp like he just unloaded in his pants. Stop it. The funny thing is you know that he knows everything that is going to happen so why was he so constantly surprised? Although this was terribly distracting (and hilarious) I did not have the heart to ask him to calm down. I have never felt such joy and elation from watching a movie, so I figured I could have at least a story to tell and didn't have to ruin this kids night. But seriously...stop it. 

Mental note: The boat could be a very cool nickname. 

Popcorn, soda, small talk

Do you beleive in miracles?

People who work that try to make small talk with customers...stop it. I am at the movie theater waiting for half hour to get popcorn and this guy insists on talking to every customer. We are clearly on a time schedule and the place is packed and he is taking his sweet time making jokes. Unbeleivable. Stop it. Get the popcorn, take the money, next customer. You don't need to make small talk with every customer, its ridiclous. Stop it. 

Note: More on this movie experience to come. 

Is it still funny to yell get a room? I don't care I'm going for it anyway...Get a room.

That Guy

I got the power. 

That guy in the UPS commercials...stop it. He is not really drawing on the board, he is a fake. No one can draw that perfectly. Also, his haircut...stop it. I hate him and I need him to stop...it. 

Do you see what you get, Carla? Do you see what you get when you mess with the warrior?

Fine

I never walk when I can run. 

I got a frickin ticket for parking on the wrong side of the street last night. Stop it. This is the most ridiculous law I have ever heard of. Every other day, after 5 p.m. you need to change your parking spot or you get a 20 dollar ticket. Stop it. I change every day, the one day I forget....stop it. Cops have so much more to worry about in my neighborhood (shootings, knifings, drugs, kids with drugs) and they are wastin their time chargin me 20 dollars....stop it. 

Uptown Girl got me through high school, long story for another day.

Public FInance

Don't judge a book by its cover. 

Textbook prices...stop it. I had to spend an unheard of $174.65 for a textbook that is frankly not even that big. I have done the math. There are 596 pages. That is roughly 30 cents per page. Not to mention how many of these are title pages or index or whatever. It is plain ridiclous. It needs to stop (stop it). Here are some things I could spend that $174.65 on:

- Beer (roughly 17 nice six packs or 11 30 racks or 2 kegs w/ deposit)

- Liquor (8 1 liter bottles of Jim Beam or 3 handles of Tequila and 1 liter of tequila)

- 8 1/2 Lap Dances

- 35 Lunch specials at Red Wok

- 5 Yankee Fitted Hats

Stop it.

I'm having surgery right now, and loving it.

And the winner is...

This is all natural baby, all I gots to do is show up. 

The Oscars were on last night...interesting. My ringtone, Jai Ho (from the movie Slumdog Millionaire) won best song, so holla. The only movie I saw of the nominated for Best Picture (Slumdog Milliinaire) won...so holla. I bet you are surprised I didn't say stop it. Well here it comes. Speeches at the Oscars...stop it. Great for acheiving an award that is actually given out by your own industry so it hard to beleive their is any real merit there except for the fact that you are telling us that there is. But these speeches are unreal. Say thank you and bounce. It is so hard to watch them trying to give praise and saying how they changed peoples lives and are going to change the world and whatever. Stop it. You made a movie, the people that give out the awards liked it...thats it. Stop it. 

No, she's a man-eater, And I'm not talking about the "whoa, whoa, here comes" kind of man-eater.

Stairway To Hell

I keep away from runaround Sue. 

Stairs...stop it. I had a whole rant yesterday that explained how much I truly despise stairs. My rugby team runs stairs in the library tower as a workout and I have not gone once. I hate walking up 10 stairs just to get to my room. Every time I approach the bottom this feeling of misery comes over me and I feel miserable. Stop it. I am not going to run up 20 flights of stairs. When I lived on campus I would take the elevator to the 2/3 mid-level just so I can walk down stairs to get to my room. Stairs suck. Stop it. 

Season 5, Episode 3. Marcia gets creamed. Don't ever question me on the bunch. 

Drink, Drank, Drunk

Let's get ready to rumble.

Hangovers...stop it. I feel like shit enough about what happened last night I don't need another reminder of how drunk I was. Actually, if the hangover wasn't here I'd probably be ok with what happened last night. So hangovers everywhere...stop it. 

it was a gift. (from me to me)

I love College

Time isn't wasted when you getting wasted.

I love college. People who don't love college...stop it. There is this song called I love College. I love that song. Its true, we have it made here at college. Class isn't bad compared to amount of awesomeness that comes with being a college student. So those of you i hear on campus complaining about this and that and being little prissy drama queens...stop it. You are living the life.

Touche, magic hallway.

Good vs. Evil

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

Bad guys...stop it. Don't you know the world would be a better place if everyone was a good guy.

Good guys...stop it. (I got nothing here, this was just for the bad guys sake.)

But sometimes that IS what I'm talking about. 

Who the heck do you think you are, Denny?

Live every week like its shark week.

Dennys...stop it. This has to be the most arrogant place I have been to. Its like they are doing me a favor seating and serving me. Stop it. You go anywhere else like Fridays, they open the door for you and welcome you and are so nice. In Dennys I stand for 10 minutes before anyone even recognizes I'm there. Stop it. Then when I go to pay my check the lady is having a conversation and acts like I am interrupting her. You are at work, lady, do your frickin job. Stop your conversation for two minutes and let me pay for my meal. Stop it. 

Hugh Jackman is wolverine, how dare he?

Valentines Day: Pretty Sweet (no candy pun intended)

If it aint broke, don't fix it. 

Valentines Day...stop it. These jokes are too easy. Therefore, for holidays I deviate from my normal routine. Instead I bring you The Single Male's Guide on Valentines Day:

1. Buy chocolates. Since you are single this a gift for yourself, you are actually allowed to eat all the candy and enjoy it.

2. Go to the bar. Nothing like running into a girl at a bar on valentines day. It is almost guaranteed she is single and she is 100% jealous of at least one friend who is with a boyfriend.

3. Talk about an ex-girlfriend. Show off an emotional side while also scoring points as a relationship guy who cares about the holiday. Also, there is no better aphrodisiac than sympathy.

4. Get a girl drunk. Drunk chicks on Valentines Day who do not have boyfriends put out 87% more of the time than any other night. Also they try really hard because they want to pretend they are not single, even for just a night.

5. Do not exchange numbers. This is important. As long as no numbers are traded you are clear. Chances are the chick is not into relationships anyway because she was single on V-day, but to make sure she doesn't get too attached stay away from names and numbers. 

Hope this works out for all the single men out there on Valentines Day. Should be a busy night for birth control producers everywhere.

You can't drink and come to work, you're not airline pilots. 

Lets go to the mall, today.

Every now and then I get a little bit closer.

I love the mall. Today I went and there were cars everywhere...stop it. Why are there cars IN the mall!? Its ludacris. The pretzel shop is awesome. I always get a pretzel when I go to the mall. I bought sneakers. Places that sell sneakers...stop it. They are selling shoes but like have to sel everything else also. They show you the soles, they show you the shoe cleaner. Stop it. I am buying shoes and thats it. Its so awkward, I don't want to be rude, but I don't want soles for my shoes. Why don't you sell shoes that are good enough they don't need a seperate purchase. Stop it.

Why being lonely is sometimes super awesome. 

I forgot my password

With great power comes great responsibility.

I got nothing.

Eat schmit and die. 

A-Rod (his name in the title should get me worldwide recognition)

You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good.

Steroids...stop it. At this point it seems like the media is actively trying to ruin America's greatest past time with this whole steroids debacle. Are news outlets offering bonuses for any story with A-rod as a headline? Stop it. Yes, people have done steroids. Handle it internally and stop adding more and more doubt to a great sport. And now this A-rod thing is probably illegal to have released his name?? I hope that bitch gets tossed in the slammer. The media is getting out of control and it will soon ruin what has been a great game for decades. Stop it. Sure steroids also could be what ruined the game, but if MLB could handle the drug problems internally without bringing negative attention to the sport it would be better for everybody, except of course journalists. It has been a long offseason and with football season coming to an end the stories only look to get worse. Stop it. 

I grew up on the street. Not the hood...sesame street. 

I like to party

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Fraternities...stop it. I am not a downer on partying or frats, but sometimes it gets to much. I went to a frat party last night for the first time in a couple years and these guys were pure broverdose. The amount of broners and bromances happening around me was disgusting because of all the screaming. Stop it. I'm a fan of broing out, but this was just ridiculous. You don't have to yell and scream everytime something happens. I actually started doing it as a social experiment to try and fit in. I did not fit in. Stop it. O and the girls who go to these parties...stop it. I have a lot more to say, but I will stop it.

I'm a k. 

The best joke in this post is Lost.

Once you go black, you never go back. 

Yesterday was a pretty angst free day. Nothing really got to me I guess and I watched dumb and dumber which is absolutely amazing. Lost...stop it. I am sick and tired of this. Last nights episode was absolutely terrible. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired (dumb and dumber quote). People who run in this terrible cold...stop it. Not only are you freezing when there are indoor options, but you make the rest of us look bad. I don't go running when its beautiful out, and here you are running in 10 degree weather...stop it. 

In other news I signed a petition today. Something about a meditation group. I think I am going to start a petition to end petitioning. Which reminds me- I am against picketing, but I don't know how to show it (complements of Demetri Martin). I love those kind of jokes. One I thought of the other day...its really hard to say dyslexic backwards. Stop it.

Her name is Lady. She has a brother named Him. 

Chronically bragging about chronic

If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love. 

Marijuana is an illegal drug. If you use it...stop it. Or at least stop talking about it. People who brag about their use of weed or brag how much they smoke it or tell everyone that something they liked they should watch or do high and it will be better. I already liked the show! I already liked eating cookies! Stop it. Don't tell me o well you should watch it high. Who are you to tell me what to do? Stop it. Who brags about doing something illegal and thinks they are cool for it? O hey I steal a GPS system from a car every night and sometimes I even jack one in the morning if I'm hungover. Stop it. 

At least he uses good beans. 

Screw Pokemon Red, Get me a pack of Marlboro Reds

No survivors? Then where did all the stories come from?

I was waiting in Fridays for a table and a child, about 2 or 3 years old, tripped over my foot. As I was shocked that I just tripped a child my friend starts yelling "Brian! What are you doing? Why did you trip that little kid!?" This leads to me breaking out in laughter as I am standing over this kid and everyone cannot believe what an incredible asshole I would have to be in order to trip this child. I know this seems like a digression from my usual blogtif (combination of blog and motif) I thought the world needs to know if you ever trip a kid in Fridays while waiting for a table DO NOT LAUGH under any circumstances. 

Now leading me to my usual topic...smokers...stop it. While waiting for this table I look outside and see a kid no older than 12 smoking a boge...stop it. I don't blame him I blame the parents. O and the next day, coming out of the same shopping center, I am stopped at a light and to my right is a woman smoking a cigarette in her car with three little younglings in the back...stop it. She is smoking this thing in a similar way that you see someone hittin up an inhaler after doing the good ole mile run...stop it. What are you doing? You know you got kids back there, at least do it when they aren't around. What do you think they are going to do when they hit that ripe age of 10 and learn how to use a lighter? Stop it.

That tumor is so big it looks like a threemor.

Its not that i didn't remember, I just forgot

To infinity, and beyond.

Stupid sports announcers...stop it. The amount of times I want to kill myself during games sometimes is unrealistic. I feel like the quote "o my god, that is going in my blog" came up so many times yesterday, but it appears I may have drank to much because I do not remember any of it. 

if only i had a saddle, i could have ridden you

The Wayans, The Light, and The Snowboard (to the tune of The Lion, The witch, and the wardrobe

Don't hate the playa, hate the game.

I was watching wayans brothers last night...those guys are hilarious. Stop it. Beyonce on BET all the time doing some movies about an empowered black woman....stop it. what is she doing? stop it. people who speed through a yellow light and kiss the dashboard or whatever they do...stop it. traffic light gods...please...stop it. snowboarders...stop it. people who are skiing or boarding and yell woo hoo as they go down the mountain...stop it. 

knifewrench...for kids.

EXTRA EXTRA READ ALL ABOUT shIT

A sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says sorry we dont serve food here.

Joe Torre bashes a-rod and cashman among others in a new book...stop it. Cashman says he is ok with it and its not bad and people are saying he should leave arod alone...stop it. David Wells comments about Joe Torre bashing...stop it. Its basically like valentines day where they use a holiday to sell candy and cards while the media is using Joe Torre's book to fill their column for the day. Lets talk about how Manny Ramirez is the most unwanted baseball player since Michael Jordan. Stop it.

my mom had a uterus, i lived in it. 

People are funny and others are stupid which in fact is also funny

Its 10 o'clock, do you know where YOUR children are?

On the deli line the girl in front of me asked the guy to cut the crust off her bread for her...stop it. Are you kidding me? He was having a hard enough time as it was making the sandwich...hes not your mother, cut your own goddamn crust off. 

Walking to class everyone is slipping and sliding on the icy walk and I see this girl in her car driving and looking directly down doing a text message on her phone...stop it. The text can wait, I'm sure of it- its not worth some kid slipping and your car doing some work on the kids leg. Seriously stop it- They should make a movie where there a lot of tragic things are happening and they send the top detective to find out and by the end of the movie he finds out that text messaging has been causing all these catastrophic events. Paris Hilton could totally be in the that movie. 

And of course ending with something I heard in scrubs- she turned me down to homecoming and prom when I didn't ask her to either one.

Pilot

Poker? I barely knew her! 

When I was a young lad, about the age of 9, I asked my father why he was always yelling at other cars when they clearly cannot hear them. He responded with some pretty good wisdom. "Well son, its because they are schmucks." It all became clear to me...people ARE schmucks. They are a inconsiderate, dimwitted phenomena that smothers the planet with their bluetooth headsets and their middle fingers stuck way up in the air. But here is where it comes to fruition...i, in fact, have a blue tooth headset. I toss that middle finger as often as possible. Stop it. Everyone is an asshole or a schmuck in one way or more likely ten ways. So here I am, talking about these people as if I am somewhat out of the loop of schmuckery. Im ok with it. So begins my quest to share my experiences. Last nights scrubs episode will help me end my little intro- you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have- the facts of life. Stop it.